uggghhh

uggggh....i dont know..what to think anymore..its like im trying so hard not to think about my application in my previous company...but still i cant help to be positive i will land a position a there...my patience is running out....

i have been not working for two months now....im being pissed off..at the way the lifestyle of my parents have not yet changed ever since i went out of country...and im scared to adapt to it again...i want my own room back...huhuhuhu...

PLEASE GOD HAVE MERCY ME ON ME...LET ME HAVE A JOB by NEXT WEEK...

THANK YOU....

i need to forget you

*sighs*..i should be sleeping getting ready for my beauty rest and keep my mind relax..but i sent you a comment in FB...greeting you merry christmas and a happy new year...and yes..a safe trip..

how long will i keep you in my heart..do i really need someone physically to forget you..why am i holding on to you...i know...its my fault..whatever...that i have lost your friendship..or maybe i am just too much reacting.....i should never be guilty...about what happened..i fell in love..told you..and got rejected..what is else is there..and well i guess..you are one of a kind...

i need to forget you..i need to move on....even as a friend i dont think you see me as one..i am only one of the few acquaitances you have met in your 27 years of life...and my chapter with you has been finished...i should have accepted it a long time ago...

if i ever got the chance to be hired to our company before..i pray..it will be long time before i see you....though i think its okay to see you before you go somewhere...lets see if i can do it..and does not become a coward...

MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE FORWARD....

i love you still but i need to forget you....

i am not really yet ready to be with you...:(

such a long time since i visited here...hehehe...i am actually in the philippines already so i can access all sites na bwahahaha...youtube, facebook and of course blogspot....

22 days has passed since i dont have work...i do become bored sometimes....but i need to enjoy this..who knows what might next job bring me to..i do pray for a job abroad..but if its in the Philippines....hopefully i can be posted abroad...

i love my family yes...but...they are a little too much for me...sometimes..i feel like regretting my decision to leave china...but then...i was like i need to move forward...i have think it over so many times...and i only regret it when i encounter some issues with money...*sighs*

i am positive i will find a new job in 2011..i am praying hard for it..and just yesterday i received a call a phone interview from one of my previous companies....i know i am thinking ahead..but i can't help it...and then yesterday i found out...you are the team leader of my friend from china...my mind have already thought a lot of things..but one thing i am really sure....i am still not yet ready to be with you or be under you...i know i prayed so hard to the Lord, to be able to forget you and just get on with my life..i am not sure why am i hesitating now...you're happy..i can say i am happy....and i really wanted to renew our friendship...i feel its not yet the right time...and when is the right time..i am not sure..i want to meet with you again...but at this point..i am vulnerable...i dont know...how can i face you...

you are an outstanding person...successful...and you shine brightly...i dont want to be blinded by it....i have my own success in the last 4 years..but compared to you....i feel inferior...you will never belittle me i know that....you're too nice to be like that....but somehow...i want to meet you again..if i am proud of myself again....i do have a stubborn pride....

mmm

mmm i never thought i would be hurt...i know you are just stating some facts...and i know you have moved fandom..i never asked you to return to my fandom..i am just stating my opinions...i was really surprised..i am aware of the limit of the talents of the fandom i am flailing with..they dont brought a lot of money to their agency..but still they have their own charm...

i still love you...you are one of the nicest people i have met in this online world and fandom..its just i guess..it now shows the difference in our age...hehehee...

but you know it hurts...because there was a time you flailed over them..

its happening.....

its happening..wahahaa..i should be glad..but it kinda hurt...

last week i found out from my team mate that may manager remembered when i told him i am leaving my current work in november...so he told her to learn as much...

now its time take that irreversible step to move forward...

its scary...but i need to do this for myself....even if it means going back to zero...

gaahh..why did YOU have to ruined my day...

i should overdramatizing my life..it isn't healthy...

move forward...

weee

weee...i decided to try talking to you again online..congratulated you on an achievement..i know you have worked hard to receive...

i didn't realize it was a long time since i really take time to talk to you...and I MISSED YOU..you don't know how much...its one of the biggest regret i have in life more than being conned by a friend and resigning from my previous company..when will this stop...i thought i was over you..but anytime i see you in social networks..it all came back to me...i wanted to be close to you again..but i know its too late..some of the things cannot be returned back..i know that..i should really move forward...i dont think i have that special feeling for you anymore..the more than friend feeling...i think i just missed being your friend..

and this my song for you...

Opened my mouth
it all rushed out spoken
though i never meant you to know it
I was stalling myself and got held in the moment
Without even knowing,
I stopped and got lost in my mind
I've never felt so unraveled in my whole life
I said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
But what's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i've said it, but can we forget this
I Taught myself but I'm scared that we're broken
Though you never could see it coming
And i
Dont know what my or how our hearts are hoping
My feelings are showing
I stopped and got lost in your eyes
I never thought you could make me so alive
I said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
What's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i said it, but can we forget this
Now i'm hoping
Your hearts open
Words unfolded
Now you know and
I couldn't hold it all inside
Push it back in to rewind;
Now my Secrets spoken
said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
What's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't wanna hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i've said it, but can we forget this
i said i love you i love you i love you
but now i regret it(now i regret it)
i said i love you i love you i love you
but i'm sorry i said it(i'm sorry i said it)
But what's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun(just begun oooh)
i know i've said it, but can we forget this(can we forget this)
i love you and now i regret
i love you i'm sorry i've said it
i love you and now i regret
i love you i'm sorry i've said it

why oh why

sometimes i really hate myself being affected like this over fandom things..but well..i am a fangirl..maybe i will just stick to reading fanfictions..because somehow fanfictions gave me what i asked for..

i have read a fanreport about the last concert of tegomasu..i am not actually pissed off at tegomasu..somehow despite my grievances and rant before the tour...it was all forgotten when i read an objective fanreport...and well basing from the pictures i saw...my favorite boys has indeed had a lot of fun and memories to cherished for...

okay first...im really pissed at the one who write the fanrep..we know her biasness..but well..her fanreps really rubbed me off wrong...and he is one of the many reasons...now..that..i loathe having a lot of friends on LJ...and the truth is...i was envious of her before when she watched tegomasu no uta last year..but now...everytime i read something from i totally expected it to be tegoshi biased...you can see the difference..in the way she describes tegoshi passionately while its like nonchalance on massu..i understand she doesn't like massu...but anyway...

i just realized...as i stay longer in the fandom...it turns out..i really like TegoMasu better....even if you gave me NEWS...i will watch it because there's tegomasu....i will support the album they will released because...i am one of those who waited for them..but i am not sure..if will still support them next time....

aaahhh....fandom fandom again...............