i need to forget you

*sighs*..i should be sleeping getting ready for my beauty rest and keep my mind relax..but i sent you a comment in FB...greeting you merry christmas and a happy new year...and yes..a safe trip..

how long will i keep you in my heart..do i really need someone physically to forget you..why am i holding on to you...i know...its my fault..whatever...that i have lost your friendship..or maybe i am just too much reacting.....i should never be guilty...about what happened..i fell in love..told you..and got rejected..what is else is there..and well i guess..you are one of a kind...

i need to forget you..i need to move on....even as a friend i dont think you see me as one..i am only one of the few acquaitances you have met in your 27 years of life...and my chapter with you has been finished...i should have accepted it a long time ago...

if i ever got the chance to be hired to our company before..i pray..it will be long time before i see you....though i think its okay to see you before you go somewhere...lets see if i can do it..and does not become a coward...

MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE FORWARD....

i love you still but i need to forget you....

i am not really yet ready to be with you...:(

such a long time since i visited here...hehehe...i am actually in the philippines already so i can access all sites na bwahahaha...youtube, facebook and of course blogspot....

22 days has passed since i dont have work...i do become bored sometimes....but i need to enjoy this..who knows what might next job bring me to..i do pray for a job abroad..but if its in the Philippines....hopefully i can be posted abroad...

i love my family yes...but...they are a little too much for me...sometimes..i feel like regretting my decision to leave china...but then...i was like i need to move forward...i have think it over so many times...and i only regret it when i encounter some issues with money...*sighs*

i am positive i will find a new job in 2011..i am praying hard for it..and just yesterday i received a call a phone interview from one of my previous companies....i know i am thinking ahead..but i can't help it...and then yesterday i found out...you are the team leader of my friend from china...my mind have already thought a lot of things..but one thing i am really sure....i am still not yet ready to be with you or be under you...i know i prayed so hard to the Lord, to be able to forget you and just get on with my life..i am not sure why am i hesitating now...you're happy..i can say i am happy....and i really wanted to renew our friendship...i feel its not yet the right time...and when is the right time..i am not sure..i want to meet with you again...but at this point..i am vulnerable...i dont know...how can i face you...

you are an outstanding person...successful...and you shine brightly...i dont want to be blinded by it....i have my own success in the last 4 years..but compared to you....i feel inferior...you will never belittle me i know that....you're too nice to be like that....but somehow...i want to meet you again..if i am proud of myself again....i do have a stubborn pride....

mmm

mmm i never thought i would be hurt...i know you are just stating some facts...and i know you have moved fandom..i never asked you to return to my fandom..i am just stating my opinions...i was really surprised..i am aware of the limit of the talents of the fandom i am flailing with..they dont brought a lot of money to their agency..but still they have their own charm...

i still love you...you are one of the nicest people i have met in this online world and fandom..its just i guess..it now shows the difference in our age...hehehee...

but you know it hurts...because there was a time you flailed over them..

its happening.....

its happening..wahahaa..i should be glad..but it kinda hurt...

last week i found out from my team mate that may manager remembered when i told him i am leaving my current work in november...so he told her to learn as much...

now its time take that irreversible step to move forward...

its scary...but i need to do this for myself....even if it means going back to zero...

gaahh..why did YOU have to ruined my day...

i should overdramatizing my life..it isn't healthy...

move forward...

weee

weee...i decided to try talking to you again online..congratulated you on an achievement..i know you have worked hard to receive...

i didn't realize it was a long time since i really take time to talk to you...and I MISSED YOU..you don't know how much...its one of the biggest regret i have in life more than being conned by a friend and resigning from my previous company..when will this stop...i thought i was over you..but anytime i see you in social networks..it all came back to me...i wanted to be close to you again..but i know its too late..some of the things cannot be returned back..i know that..i should really move forward...i dont think i have that special feeling for you anymore..the more than friend feeling...i think i just missed being your friend..

and this my song for you...

Opened my mouth
it all rushed out spoken
though i never meant you to know it
I was stalling myself and got held in the moment
Without even knowing,
I stopped and got lost in my mind
I've never felt so unraveled in my whole life
I said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
But what's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i've said it, but can we forget this
I Taught myself but I'm scared that we're broken
Though you never could see it coming
And i
Dont know what my or how our hearts are hoping
My feelings are showing
I stopped and got lost in your eyes
I never thought you could make me so alive
I said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
What's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i said it, but can we forget this
Now i'm hoping
Your hearts open
Words unfolded
Now you know and
I couldn't hold it all inside
Push it back in to rewind;
Now my Secrets spoken
said i love you i love you i love you
But now i regret it
I said i love you i love you i love you
But i'm sorry i said it
What's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't wanna hurt this thing we've just begun
i know i've said it, but can we forget this
i said i love you i love you i love you
but now i regret it(now i regret it)
i said i love you i love you i love you
but i'm sorry i said it(i'm sorry i said it)
But what's done is done,
I can't undo what's done
Don't want to hurt this thing we've just begun(just begun oooh)
i know i've said it, but can we forget this(can we forget this)
i love you and now i regret
i love you i'm sorry i've said it
i love you and now i regret
i love you i'm sorry i've said it

why oh why

sometimes i really hate myself being affected like this over fandom things..but well..i am a fangirl..maybe i will just stick to reading fanfictions..because somehow fanfictions gave me what i asked for..

i have read a fanreport about the last concert of tegomasu..i am not actually pissed off at tegomasu..somehow despite my grievances and rant before the tour...it was all forgotten when i read an objective fanreport...and well basing from the pictures i saw...my favorite boys has indeed had a lot of fun and memories to cherished for...

okay first...im really pissed at the one who write the fanrep..we know her biasness..but well..her fanreps really rubbed me off wrong...and he is one of the many reasons...now..that..i loathe having a lot of friends on LJ...and the truth is...i was envious of her before when she watched tegomasu no uta last year..but now...everytime i read something from i totally expected it to be tegoshi biased...you can see the difference..in the way she describes tegoshi passionately while its like nonchalance on massu..i understand she doesn't like massu...but anyway...

i just realized...as i stay longer in the fandom...it turns out..i really like TegoMasu better....even if you gave me NEWS...i will watch it because there's tegomasu....i will support the album they will released because...i am one of those who waited for them..but i am not sure..if will still support them next time....

aaahhh....fandom fandom again...............

i hurt

arrggh..all this time..teasing and talking about tegoshi's blonde girlfriend..i thought it was okay for me..but still...it hurts not as intense as before..but still it hurts...

tegoshi-kun your girlfriend is pretty..she has a cute smile...she's type O and she loves shopping...if you ended up together you'll have cute babies...

ahhh...as much as i hurt..i dont really know you...my favorite pretty boy...you're one of my fave singers among JE...and di pa rin ako naniniwalang straight ka bwahahahaa....

mahal pa rin kita promise kahit pa lagi akong nasasaktan kapag may tsismis ka about sa mga gf hihihi....but then isa lang ibig sabihin nun..sikat ka ever..

massuu...kailan mo ilalabas ang gf mo...

Hopefully..

hey there..its been a while..hahahaa..a while..last update was in May…well whining and being sad about tegomasu..as always…I guess whining here helps a lot..i just have to make sure…when they google my username this won't come up..but oh well..its internet..so that would be impossible…

i think despite my rants about how tegomasu is to each other..the bottom line I still love them…especially when they sing together…and well when they are onstage together…just the two of them…something is very cute seeing them together…though I wish I was watching them live than on video…

their tour ended successfully…but they have additional shows on the last days of July…congratulations my favorite boys…but…I hope you still have a concert next year..because me and kei plan to watch it…I am not satisfied with fanreports anymore..i wanna see you sing and dance live…but…I like it if its only the two of you…I want to know if seeing you live will make me love you more…hihihi..though I also wished for a NEWS concert..i am a demanding fan..i just want to see you together again…hihihi…please please please…

bottom line..i wanna see you…again together..singing..or whatever…( ^ ^)

it hurts….

I know just the other day..i was smiling happily telling myself that I have fallen in love again my favorite pretty boy again…but the feeling did not last long..after creating the crack post in my LJ…the next day I read the Sapporo fanreports…it does kinda make me disappointed on some parts..it seems the magic of Osaka was gone…oh well..i guess here I go again reading too much..waaaaaaaaaaah…please give me back my sanity tegomasu……give me back my broken heart….

my friend linked me to a translation from a recent magazine scan…my heart went out when I read massu's love message to tegoshi

A love message for Massu by Tegoshi

A "love message"? (lol). Ok, since we're going to be together for 2 full months in 35 stages maybe some hard times will come too but I really want to do my best. With the rehearsal they will be 3 months...yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

A love message for Tegoshi by Massu

Maybe this is the longest time I'll spend together with Tegoshi after Tegomasu Matsuri, there I was able to see all the various side of Tegoshi (lol). Since we're going to spend a long time together again I want to know again a lot of things that I don't know about Tegoshi. Please, teach me (lol).

the whole message of Massu made my heart burst with sadness..it hurts..i even cry…its makes me so sad…that really..my OTP…is really just two random people who were put together and smile for the camera or fans….i know I am slowly accepting the fact they can't be koyashige….and I know..there is something between them that makes them click together…but i can't help but feel sad and hurt reading massu's love message to tegoshi …why massu…you're 3 years too late…tegoshi has grown up….though oh well I am such a possessive onee-san that sometimes I don't like the way he growed up….but still I love him anyway..even with his monstrous hair…

before the start of your tour..i was feeling sad and disappointed…I did not expect anything from you..but then the Osaka fanreports and the papa pics came out..as I have said in previous entry..its been a long time since I saw tegoshi smiled like that..i am not sure why though…I should never expect besides performing your act well not even fanservice from you tegomasu….because expectations leads to disappointments..leading to heartaches..i have to convince myself..this is all an act….you are two good singers that harmonized so nicely together…*sighs*….

i think i fell in love with you again my FAVE pretty boy!!!

i think for a long time now..all i do is whine on the lack of tegomasu fanservice..but actually they don't really do much fanservice..ever since they started singing together...its just i really love them...that they look comfortable together....like old friends...when they something or nothing..it makes my fangirl's heart squeal and flail...well if its their VOICES..that's another topic..hehehehe

so since dreamboys..i think i noticed the lack of how do you call errr..my expected interaction of tegomasu...it seems despite them working together more...it seems they are more far from each other....

i was not able to watched the tegomasu no ai tour this year..all this time i said to myself..and everyone who listens to me ..the irony of it all..their tour is about love...but somehow i can;t see it when they are in SOUKON....i think i've got tons of private posts just whining about this topic....hahahhaha...

reading rumors about tegoshi having a blonde girlfriend did not help even..but i am okay now..i know he is a healthy hormonal boy..so he will be taken and will have girlfriend who loves him....i even think massu does have a girlfriend too..though some people might think otherwise....hihihi...

from their first tour last year..after having met fangirls i can flail with..i tried to read or rather analyze their pictures or how they look on videos...i was really disappointed for a time with tegoshi..not only does he look tired..it seems he is exasperated with massu...errr..im just reading too much into it...probably if they are within my reach..they will probably laugh at my own assumptions...

so until like some magazine photoshoots..not only im whining about tegomasu not being on same page and not pictured together....even if they are pictured together..there is something missing....aarrrghh...i even told myself to give up on them after the tour...(but that was just me..i dont think i will be able to do it) XDDD

so during the weekend which is the start of their tour...im excitedly waiting for fanreports...anything that is related to their tours...and tadannnnn..IT WAS MORE THAN I EXPECTED.....i flail like hard with keithly for 4 hours on voice chat....everyone online i flailed with them...because seriously...based from the fanreports..the concert is amazing and funnn...and then came the PAPA PICSSSSSSSSSSSSS>....dkjfsdf'sdf;s'fds...

the near face picture made me squeal in delightttttttttt...then...massu groping tegoshiiiiiiii..wwas purre pure fangirl's squeal....i told myself..they are fanservice...i dont care if they are fanservice...what i like is that their faces radiates the enjoyment...i don't even care the monstrous hair you have tegoshi..my favorite pretty boy..just seeing you smiling brightly..GAWDDD..I MISS YOU SMILING LIKE THAT..ITS BEEN A LONG TIME...AND I THINK I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AGAIN...THOUGH NOT AS LIKE BEFORE..

KEEP ON SMILING LIKE THAT MY FAVORITE PRETTY BOY..YOUR SMILE IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I REALLY LOVE ABOUT YOU!!

Let God and let GO

Fandom fandom fandom…

On my last entry I was sure that I would be able to watch the 2^nd live tour of my favorite duo TEGOMASU..in Japan..I was telling myself it would my birthday gift to myself…and it's high time I hit Japan..hehehee…but some thing's will not go as planned…and the concert is in May- June yet..and its only March..but I know when not to push anymore…

I'm letting it go…maybe it's not time for me to watch them yet unless there is a miracle that would happen between now and until the start of the concert….like someone will let me borrow money from them..hahahaha so silly of me…

Oh well..the reason why I did not pursue this plan of mine involves money…if I didn't moved in to a new apartment…I am sure I could save enough until May and June even if the ticket prices became 5x higher..but well peace of mind first..hehehe...

So now I am letting GOD and letting GO about what will happen to me this time…but I would still apply for a tourist visa for Japan..i just need to figure out the address here in dalian of the Japanese embassy..

My favorite boys…I wonder when will I get the chance to see you sing live…I want to see it badly this year…because who knows what may happen…

today

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you.

this is my message from God for today in facebook...and i think it is very appropriate..eversince i went home to the Phils and came back here in China..i always made sure..i am talking to God thru any prayers..and it was the same things that i prayed...but i dont do something about to help me...hahaha..oh actually i did just not whole-heartedly..sometimes i always said..why must life be so complicated when you're an adult..

i envy babies because theirs are very simple, they cry if they are hungry or irritated...they easily smile when something is very pleasing to them...

life is really simple i think...though i dont know why human nature makes it so complicated sometimes...

all through my 3 years stay in China..i think i might have grown a little and think too much..hahaha....or maybe worry too much...but all the experiences i encounter here are much treasured all though some are not really good..but still it made your life right???

i have a lot of things i want to do in 2010...and march is just around the corner and i still don't have any progress on that...i just wanted to write it in here..maybe somehow it can remind me...and come true with hard work and prayers...though i think i must learn to meditate and listen to God...my stubborness is very evident...

things i want to do in 2010

- find a new work that is satisfying(financially and emotionally) and exciting and it should be a new environment..

- travel to Japan..(this plan made it easier when the news of TM live tour came in...but still i think unless my passport has the Japan visa on one page..i can still hope and dream)

- work on learning Japanese as in seriously...i always try to learn things half-heartedly..i don't know..i dont make much effort and i believe that unless you work hard...you will not accomplish something...

the above are the major things i wanted to do...and with God's grace and mercy..i hope I can do it...

oh and another thing...i know as you age and meet different people there will be some friends you might lost along the way...i am not sure..if its really me..or its just that we got different interests now..i do have my old close friends...but i still miss my other friends...*sighs*

TM no UTA DVD

finally the TM dvd will be out tomorrow..but well..fandom is really lucky to have some leakage...i am thankful for fangirls friend who generously shared the links to us...i am not sure if i will be able to do another review in LJ...because i want to be fair to my friends who don't want to be spoiled....so i will blabber away here...

first off..CONGRATULATIONS TEGOMASU!! it was really huge improvement from your Ai-ai gasa live event..i love that you look more comfortable now..though i still find tegoshi looking superior sometimes i guess massu is used to it now...as most us notice..tegoshi wants to shine while massu let him...but don't worry i still love you tegoshi though sometimes your reactions to massu irks me...

on your setlists...i would not probably remember the order of it..but i salute you for keeping up with fast songs..eventhough massu was really out of breath and got difficulty reaching high notes...i will probably just write down my favorite performances...or the ones that really that made an impression on me...

KUSHAMI..when massu started to sing...it was so warm...i feel like you're serenading me..

LA LA SAKURA...tegoshi i always say you never cease to amaze me..you look cute and cool with your guitar on...and massu on tambourines bwahahahaha....

BOKURA NO CINDERELLA..the horses..only you can pull it off...but i love the one wherein tegoshi dressed as a princess and massu as prince..hime-sama and ouji sama....yey...

AME NO - hahaha the one wherein you are on the swing..so cute...

FANTASTIPO..i love your dancing and your voices are still good eventhough you are moving like that....

on the encore....

Katamoi..hearing the intro gave me goosebumps already..i love the CG...so appropriate that it was heart...hehehehe...but honestly you really sound so good...

HAJIMETE NO ASA UNPLUGGED...THIS IS NOT REALLY COMPLETE..THE VIDEO EDITORS CUT THE BRIDGE..BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL..HEARING YOUR RAW VOICES..GAWD..IM SO PROUD TO BE A TEGOMASS FAN..WHO SAID JOHNNYS CANT SING..YOU PROVED THEM WRONG MY FAVORITE BOYS....I LOVE IT THAT IT WAS SPECIAL ENCORE...

the documentary...it seemed fun..because the two of your seems to be just playing....its nice to see massu in BTS bwahahaha longer and speaking ...but we had hope that there was a gourmet tour...or probably hotel sneaking...or your image is just too neat..it was not possible..hahahaha...i have to watched it yet with subs..so probably i will understand it more..but well you look kakkoii tegoshi and massu is cute as always...you look both sexy with less clothes..i have i think a fetish for the navel hairline of tegoshi..damn boy..you look so manly when i see it..getting pervert here..bwahahhaa..and massu in singlet and almost boxers shorts....arrghh....

i guess my rant here is finished..i will be including gifs in this post bwahahaha...credits to the maker..i really fail at making gifs...

2010 & TEGOMASU

how time flies...its 2010 the last entry i have was a birthday post for my favorite pretty boy...i didn't post it in my LJ...i kinda fail..

i will be staying for another year here in dalian..hmmm..but i am not sure if its really a whole year..but let's make the best out of it...

TEGOMASU....oh my God..my favorite boys is always giving me heart attacks...just saw the disc 2 leak of their concert..waaaaaaaaaaahh they sound so good....and tegoshi tegoshi so pretty....massu looks like a schoolboy...but so so cute....and lastly i saw this pic..



waaaaaahh PRINCESS YUUKO and MASSU KING....

it really got me excited for the TM DVD....